Now Francisco and Bernardo they was guardin’ the castle Leanin’ on their spears not lookin’ for no hassle Havin’ themselves a brew or two When out in the night they hear woo-wooo-wooo. And here comes this ghost lookin’ ragged and rank In a rusty suit of armor goin’ clank clank clank. They say "Hey Mr. Ghost are you our dear departed king?" But the ghost don’t say one motherfuckin’ thing. He goes "Wooo-wooo-wooo." They say "Hey we better split And go tell Hamlet about this shit." So they run find Hamlet they say "Hey sweet Prince Your daddy’s ghost been seen runnin’ hither and hince. He’s all full of maggots and he’s grizzly and grim Somethin’s rotten in Denmark and -- whew -- we think it’s him." Hamlet say "Oh are you sure it’s my pop? Did he have matty gray hair with a bald spot on top? Did he have bright blue eyes that never know fear And a tattoo says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here?" They say "Hey the thing just flittered by our station We didn’t give him no phyical examination. And we don’t know for sure if your daddy was the one But we do know a motherfuckin’ ghost when we see one." Hamlet say "Show me where you spied this spectral klunk So I see if it’s my pop or if you was both drunk." So they bring ol’ Hamlet to the spot and then They wait five minutes and wooooo --- Here he comes again. He got gray skin black teeth and hollow eyes Beckonin’ like this -- young Hamlet cries "Hold spirit of darness are you a ghostly apparition?" "No " says the ghost "I look like this from malnutrition. Of course I’m a ghost but sone don’t be scared And I’ll tell you some shit that’ll fry your hair." He says "You got two relatives I won’t say which But one’s a bloody murderer and one’s a faithless bitch. Why I was takin’ a nap in the garden right here When my ambitious brother pours some poison in my ear. And before my body’s even cold he’s wearin’ my pajamas Layin’ up in my bed with my crown on his head Doin’ somethin’ sinful to your momma. And the terrible thoughts of what they’re doin’ up there Is more than a poor old ghost can bear. So you gotta revenge me on this harlot and this knave Or else I’ll never rest in my motherfuckin’ grave." Well this information just flips Hamlet out. He starts walkin’ like this with spit hangin’ out his mouth. His eyes are all bleary and his tongue looks worse And he’s talkin’ in couplets and blank fuckin’ verse. I mean the dude is indecisive He don’t know how he’d like his eggs And he’s got no opinion on tits ass or legs. He can’t decide which horse to play at the track And when they ask him what suit you wanna wear today? He say "Ah…um…gimme the black." He calls his uncle a murderer Calls his momma a whore And he can’t get it up for Ophelia no more. Oh and Ophelia? She’s tryin’ her best To make him feel better Wants to polish his crown jewels But he won’t let her. "Stead of sayin’ yea the fool says nay And the whole court’s figurin’ he must be gay. Well then in come Hamlet’s oldest friends Rosenstern and Guildencrantz They say "Hey there Ham you gloomy Gus Get up – get down – and party with us. We brought you some actores Some tunes and some lyrics To put on a play to boost up your spirits." Hamlet says "Hey – songs and skits That gives me an idea that could stir up some shit. We’ll put on a play – "N" that could be just the thing To catch the conscience of the king If there is a conscience in the motherfuckin’ king." So Hamlet calls all the actors he say "’Fore this drama starts I’m gonna tell you suckers how to play your parts. You gotta speak the speech like I pronounced it – Don’t rush it don’t milk it don’t drag it don’t bounce it. I mean do it trippingly on the tongue Or else I’ll see your thespian asses strung up and hung. And don’t saw the air with your hands flappin’ wild "N’ don’t go mouthin’ my words in some method style." Then the lead actor says "Hey – are we alive? Or just some talking meat that’s gotta listen to this jive? I have read this thing you call a script And it ain’t too bad it’s got a few little dips. But with some new dialogue and a few minor edits – Hey do you mind sharing writer credits? But this part about the king? -- poisoning his brother? I play this wile the real king’s watchin’? Sittin’ with your mother? You must be out of your cotton-pickin’ mind. He’ll cut out my tongue he’ll gouge out my eyes He’ll boil me in oil and send me to hell." Hamlet says "How about double scale?" – The actor says "Well… "I want my name above the title three percent of the gross I want that tall brunette as my dialogue coach. I want approval of director and a juicy per diem And if there’s changes in the script I got to see ‘em. I want a dresser and undresser and a hairdresser too And I gotta-gotta-gotta have the biggest dressing room. I want an escape clause that lets me out in a month And the first thing I insist is that you fire that cunt. I want transportation to and from every show I want complimentary tickets for everybody I know. I want my brother and my cousin hired to play in the band And don’t go tryin’ to sneak in any extra matinees. And next time you wanna speak to me Check with the director first. Now will you please go away and let us rehearse?" So Hamlet slinks off lookin’ for a backer Mutterin’ how he’ll never ever talk to another fuckin’ actor. And him and Horatio they walk down a ways Till they see some clown diggin’ a mouldy grave. Hamlet picks up a skull he says "Who was this sucker?" They say "Yorick." He says "Yorick? I knew the motherfucker. He used to be court jester. Hey Yorick show us how You used to make them funny faces – Why ain’t you laughin’ now? I’ve kissed these lips I know not how oft." And Horatio quips "Hey let’s not announce how oft you kissed them lips. I mean people already talkin’ ‘bout the way you walk And the fact that you ain’t givin’ Ophelia no nook." Oh and speakin’ of Ophelia – Polonius her daddy Says "Hey that prince is drivin’ my little girl batty. Got her runnin’ all night and sleepin’ till noon God knows what else he got her doin’. But he’s our royal prince lord of earth sky and water But he’s also a horny little pimply-faced shithead Trying to hump my daughter." So Polonius calls Ophelia and says "Listen darlin’ daughter I hope you and Ham ain’t doin’ things you shouldn’t oughter ‘Cause you let ‘em touch an ankle and they wanna grab a knee And they never buy nothin’ that you let ‘em have for free." Ophelia says "Hey Pop I know the score You think I wanna wind up another palace whore? I got the dud sendin’ me letters and babblin’ ‘bout the moon I really do think his bells are out of tune." "Well don’t you go dingin’ his bells " says Polonius "’’Cause if he throws you in the grass I’ll get your big brother Laertes to kick his royal ass." Now Laertes overhears his name bein’ bandied about He says "Hey Pop you signin’ my ass up for somethin’ My head don’t know about?" Plonius says "Son it’s Hamlet that loony tune Been fed all his life with a silver spoon. He’s in my face and on my neck I mean the dude ain’t playin’ with a full damn deck. He’s bumblin’ around twirlin’ his crown And callin’ me a fishmonger all over town. And he’s charmed your baby sister with his rhymes and his riddles. Hey you think she’s puttin’ on a little weight around the middle?" Laertes says "Hey Pop she ain’t no baby She got a set of jugs tha’d drive any prince crazy. Now that’s just a natural fact and not lust or incest And if she shakes ‘em right she could be a princess." "That’s right " says Ophelia. "That’s my scheme And the way kings been dyin’ ‘round here I could wind up queen." "Enough " says Polonius. "That Pince has ruined my day. Now we gotta see his fuckin’ play within a play. Hell the place’ll be drafty the seats won’t be com’fa’ble I wouldn’t go at all but these tickets ain’t refundable. Prob’ly full of symbolism I won’t understand it Shit I hope it rains and all the critics pan it." So they go to the play and everybody’s there. They got diamonds on their doublets They got ribbons in their hair. Lords ladies dogs babies all in attendance The marquee says MURDER DECEIT AND VENGEANCE. ONE OF YEAR’S TEN BEST. DO NOT MISS IT. So everybody figures it’s another piece of shit. And they’re bitchin’ ‘bout their seats buckin’ the line Scalpin’ tickets and sippin’ wine Rattlin’ their programs twistin’ in their chairs Tryin’ to catch if any celebrities are there. Then the play begins – and ooh looky here – It shows the king puttin’ poison in his brother’s ear. And King Claudius is watchin’ and -- ooh -- is he pissed. He says "I know who’s responsible for this." He calls "Hey Gertie come here hon. What the hell’s the matter with your jive-ass son? I give the kid room board ‘n’ remedial education And he calls me a murderer and other wild accusations. Hell I’d sue him for libel for implyin’ that shit. But the libel laws ain’t been invented yet. Just ‘cause I’m bangin’ you he’s givin’ me hell I think he wants to hump you his own damn self." Queen Gertrude says "I think he’s goin’ through An Oedipal rejection seein’ his uncle Replace his father in his momma’s affection." "Oedipal?" says the king. "The punk is givin’ me some shit. I’ll send him where I sent his pop if he don’t quit. So you tell him it’s better to leave some things unsaid Or he’ll be puttin’ on his crown without his motherfuckin’ head." So the queen runs to Hamlet she says "Oh listen son Y’better suck up to the king before some foul deed gets done. It’s true he wears black socks and Hawaiian shirts But that ain’t no reason to treat him like dirt Because he is your uncle and I do wear his ring And most of all he is the motherfuckin’ king." "Don’t say mother-fuckin’ king " says Hamlet. "Please Somehow that phrase makes my blood freeze. My daddy was a handsome dude with dignity and class And this fat fool got hair on his back and boils on his ass. Can anybody get you in their goddamn bed Just ‘cause they got a crown on their goddamned head?" His momma says "Hey before you go off the deep end There’s some things about women you gotta comprehend. "Now milkmaids and queens we all have filet mignon dreams But when the steak is gone you will eat the beans. And when you’re out of beans you’ll chew the shoes off their feet But you eat. Just picture me – a sweet young thing Then boom – my husband’s dead – and this sucker’s king. So it’s ‘heat the meat and act real sweet’ Or wind up with my ass out in the goddamned street. I got cellulite I got varicose veins I got a hip gets stiff every time it rains. And -- this -- is what nursing a baby can do "Course honey I’m not blamin’ you Though you were such a hungry child But life goes on and a queen must smile." Then hark – just then Hamlet hears a sound From behind the curtain – like a mouse skitt’rin’ ‘round. But it’s really Ophelia’s daddy spyin’ for the king Listenin’ and takin’ down everything. Hamlet yells "A rat!" and he stabs at the place And kerplunk out falls Polonius on his eavedroppin’ face. Hamlet sees it ain’t the king he says "Oh shit Y’finally do take action and this is what you get. Now I killed my girlfriend’s poppa and I’m covered with his blood How do you explain this to someone you love?" Then here comes Ophelia callin’ "Daddy Daddy dear Hamlet is my daddy in here?" Well…he is… and he ain’t – but someone should have told the cat Y’don’t wanna get stabbed don’t make noise like a rat. She cries "Oh my daddy’s dead and I can see You stuck it in him like you stuck it in me. I can’t believe the shit you done to me. You used to want all – now you want none of me. Is this your perverted way of makin’ fun o’ me?" Hamlet says "Hey then get thee someplace… Maybe a … a nunnery." "Get me to a nunnery?" Ophelia moans "Now that you ate the chicken you wanna try and hide the bones? With your poetry and promises you messed up my brain You are a dirty dog – and not a great Dane." "Please " says Hamlet "I’m in a crazed condition. Can’t you see I’m torn by indecision? To be or not to be? That’s the fuckin’ question That’s givin’ me migraines and indigestion. Should I take arms against a sea of trouble Or just walk around goin’ gubble-gubble-gubble?" Ophelia says "Hey you don’t fool me a bit You’re fakin’ all this psycho shit ‘Cause if you’re insane you don’t have to kill the king Or marry me or do any damn thing." Ham says "Hey go bake a cake or give your booty a shake Or take a jump in the motherfuckin’ lake –" Well that’s where he made another fatal mistake. Y’see he didn’t really mean for the bitch to do it But she’s gone like a flash and run jump splash She’s floatin’ and bloatin’ ‘fore anybody knew it. "Oh when it rains it pours " says Hamlet "Ain’t no doubt Here’s another thing I gotta feel guilty about." Well they have Ophelia’s funeral and everybody’s there. They got diamonds on their doublet they got ribbons in their hair. They’re rattlin’ their beads and twistin’ in their chairs Tryin’ to catch if any celebrities are there. And it’s a pleasant event until into her grave Leaps her brother Laertes and he rants and raves. He’s shakin’ his fist and pullin’ his hair Gettin’ his ass tangled up in his underwear Jumpin’ up and down in a frenzied fit Meanwhile stompin’ her body to shit. He cries "FEE-FO-FI if I find the guy who caused her to die I’ll slice him like a pie. I’ll cut out his heart and send it to Peru ‘N’ I’ll c.o.d. his balls off to Timbuktu Ship his dick to England in a registered letter And then let him try to get his shit back together." Then the king pulls his coat he says "Harken to this Hamlet’s the dude who fucked up your sis. And he also stabbed your daddy too And all you do is boo-hoo-hoo? What kind of brother and son are you? If it was my family I know what I’d do I’d be on him like a damned tattoo. Now… there is a sword with a poisoned tip. It’ll send any sucker on a one-way trip ‘Cause all it takes is one itty bitty scratch… Hey Hamlet how about a little fencin’ match?" Well then the whole fuckin’ place caves in Hamlet stabs Laertes and Laertes stabs him. Then Hamlet turns around and stabs his uncle too While the queen drinks some poison the king had brewed. So she dies he dies Hamlet dies Laertes dies On top of where Ophelia lies Right next to where Polonius died. And before you can wink blink or turn your head Chop-stab-slice -- every motherfucker’s dead. Then in walks this cat Fortinbras he says "What – is -- this? I have never seen such a fuckin’ mess. You got skulls and swords you got guts and gore You got bodies piled up from ceiling to floor. You got broken glass y’got tangled hairs You got blood and wine runnin’ down the stairs. You got dented armor and ripped up gowns You got bent-up crowns just rollin’ ‘round. Y’got a punctured king y’got a poisoned queen Y’got a sweet prince dyin’ on the mezzanine. And behind that curtain there’s another dead duff And a body from the fishpond just floated up. Y’got a stiff in the garden with some gunk in his ear And a tatto says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here And two guards on the gate tower drunk on beer. What the hell’s been goin’ on here?" Well that was the end of our sweet prince He died in confusion and nobody’s seen him since. And the moral of the story is bells do get out of tune… And you can find shit in a silver spoon… And an old man’s revenge can be a young man’s ruin… Oh – and never look too close… at what your mamma is doin'.
